Teknoman on The Jerry Springer Show: Confessions
by Nadz
Summary: -= COMPLETE =- The insanity has resumed... Relationships among the armored warriors we all know and love may not be what they had seemed to be...
1. Round One: Radam Risque

Author: Nadz

Disclaimer: I do not own anything.

**Teknoman** **(USA Version) on The Jerry Springer Show: Confessions**

The Jerry Springer logo appears and fades away from the screen. The audience cheers madly as the ever so popular talk show host emerges from backstage and ambles onto the set. Nodding "thank-you" with his head, he tries to quell the audience's rowdy cheers. The people soon simmer down.

**Round 1 – Radam Risque**

Jerry:  
Thank you, and welcome to the Jerry Springer show. Today's topic is "Confessions," and our first guest on the show is a young woman named Katherine. Let's give Katherine a big round of applause for being here.

(Audience applauds the sexy young woman sitting cross-legged in her seat.)

Katherine:  
Hi, Jerry. I'm glad you let me be on this show.

Jerry:  
Hello, dear. I'm glad you want to share with us whatever you, you know, have to say. So, why did you come on this show?

Katherine:  
I've been seeing my boyfriend for over two years now, and I've come on the show to tell him something pretty important.

Jerry:  
I see, and so what would you like to tell him?

Katherine:  
I want to let him know that I haven't been entirely… faithful.

(Audience roars)

Jerry:  
Oh, my. Do you think he knows about this?

Katherine:  
No, I don't think so.

Jerry:  
He will soon. Why don't we bring your boyfriend Darkon out here right now?

(Audience cheers as Darkon, in full Tekkaman armor, emerges from backstage, walks in, and sits down.)

Jerry:  
Hello Darkon, welcome to the show. How are you?

Darkon:  
Well, a little busy you know… with trying to conquer Earth and all…

Jerry:  
I can imagine. When do you think you'll be done?

Darkon:  
It is only a matter of time now. The cosmic tide is soon to turn… And when I descend upon the Earth, darkness will unfurl its banner—

Jerry:  
Darkon, you already _are_ on Earth.

(Audience laughs. Darkon snorts.)

Jerry:  
In any case, do you know why you're on the show?

Darkon:  
No.

(He turns towards Katherine and holds her hand. Audience sits silently but anxiously.)

Jerry:  
Your girlfriend has something to say to you. Katherine…

(Katherine looks at her Tekkaman Warlord boyfriend in the eyes.)

Katherine:  
Conrad, you know how much I love you…

Darkon:  
Yes, my delicious yogurt-covered raisin… you don't have to be afraid…

Katherine:  
Well, I want to let you know that I've been doing some missions behind your back…

Darkon:  
What do you mean? I don't understand.

Katherine:  
For the past month, I've been doing it missionary-style with Saber.

Darkon:  
WHAT!!

(Darkon lets go of her hand and bolts out of his chair. He leans his face into hers.)

Jerry:  
Oh dear.

Darkon:  
How could you do that to me! What were you f-beep-ing thinking!

(Katherine stands up and faces Darkon. Audience is now going nuts.)

Katherine:  
What did you expect, you sorry -beep-hole!

Darkon:  
After all I've done for you! I support you!

Katherine:  
WHAT? You don't do s---! You just sit around all day on your lazy ass feeding on those vines connected to you while spewing more of that cosmic bullshit! You don't do anything!

Darkon:  
I can't help it! But I assure you one day, darkness will—

Katherine:  
You don't even know _how_ to please a lady! I ask you for some pleasure, and all you can say is, "You must kill Slade." The other night, I brought you a tasty dinner, but did you say, "Thank you?" … Noooo… you asked, "Did you kill Slade yet?"… "Is Slade dead yet?"… "When are you going to kill Slade?"

Darkon:  
He is a traitor!

Katherine:  
So what! He's not interfering in our relationship! That's why I went to Saber. He doesn't give excuses. He gives me what I want!

(Katherine and Darkon continue screaming in each other's faces at this point.)

Jerry:  
Ok, you two, enough of your drama, so glue your butts to your chairs.

Audience:  
Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!

Jerry:  
Audience, how would you like to meet Saber? Let's bring him out!

(Audience roars as they stand up. Saber walks calmly into the room, and Darkon lunges for him. The two Teknomen are about to smash into each other when Steve and the rest of the security personnel come in between, pulling the two warriors apart.)

Darkon:  
You accursed bastard! You're screwing my wife!

Saber:  
She isn't your wife, moron. You were only engaged!

Darkon:  
You lousy traitor, stealing her from me!

Saber:  
I didn't steal anything from you… she wanted a taste of my hot body. But if you want a piece of me, then come here, and I'll beat you down with my fists like you've never—

(Darkon lunges again towards Saber, throwing fists at his younger brother. He is unsuccessful, for Steve manages to hold the two away from each other.)

Audience:  
Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve!

(Audience yells this while standing on their feet, pumping their fists into the air.)

Jerry:  
Ok, you two settle down.

(Darkon plops furiously into his chair, not watching while Katherine gets up and plants a big kiss on Saber's facemask. The people in the audience cover their mouths as they holler and scream. Katherine sits down, and Saber sits in the chair next to her, moving his chair very close to hers. A very upset Darkon stares at the ground.)

Darkon:  
I thought you loved me, kitten.

Katherine:  
I do love you, but you simply don't give me what I want.

Darkon:  
How dare you say that! How dare you say you love me?

Saber:  
Hey, back off, lard-ass! She's with me now!

(Audience boos. Saber stands up and faces the audience.)

Saber:  
What? Whadd'ya want to say to me? Huh? I got some, and you didn't!

Audience:  
Sit down! Sit down! Sit down! Sit down! Sit down!

Saber:  
I know you want a piece of this! I know you ladies out there want to get with me!

Audience:  
Loser! Loser! Loser! Loser! Loser!

(Saber gives them a rude gesture before sitting back down in his seat.)

Jerry:  
So, Saber, tell me, how did this get started between you and Katherine?

Saber:  
Well, it's like this, Jerry. Shortly after my little sister decided to blow herself to bits, Katherine's birthday came up. That night, she was looking for some…

Katherine:  
He's right. We Teknomen haven't done it in months…

Jerry:  
Man oh mercy.

Saber:  
Well, she went up to ol' Darkon over there, but all he could think about was killing my twin brother Slade.

Jerry:  
And so she came to you?

Saber:  
Exactly. She started telling me how Darkon doesn't pay any attention to her and this and that.

Jerry:  
Let me guess… And before you knew it, you two were doing the wild thing?

(Audience laughs.)

Saber:  
That's right, Jerry. I know how to take care of a woman.

(He leans over and kisses Katherine. Darkon fumes.)

Jerry:  
Darkon, you've been quiet for a while. What do you want to say about this?

Darkon:  
Katherine… I loved you very much, and you broke my heart. I thought it would be romantic to conquer Earth together, side by side, hand in hand. But while I was working so hard, you betrayed me and went to my brother.

Jerry:  
Would you take her back if she repents, Darkon?

Darkon:  
Not a chance in hell. I'm through with that slut!

Audience:  
Yeah! Slut! Slut! Slut! Slut!

Jerry:  
Katherine, what do you have to say to that?

Katherine:  
I don't care, Darkon, you big oaf! I've got Saber now, and he'll respect me for the queen I am!

Jerry:  
And, Saber, will you treat her as well as she thinks you will?

Saber:  
You bet, Jerry. I'm a faithful, one-woman man.

(He touches Katherine's hand, and she smiles sweetly at him.)

Jerry:  
I don't know about that. From what I understand, you're seeing somebody else as well.

(Audience roars. Katherine pulls her hand away, and her mouth is open in shock.)

Saber:  
Well, I mean… uh… um…

Jerry:  
Let's bring out your significant other. Come out, Gunnar!

(Audience goes insane upon seeing the bluish-green Teknoman strut out from backstage. He smiles at them, and Saber's face turns bright red. He knows he's in boiling water now. Gunnar sits down in a chair next to Saber and holds his hand. Katherine's face contorts in anger. She looks to the floor, deeply hurt.)

Katherine:  
Oh my god, I can't believe you.

(Jerry waits as the audience simmers down.)

Jerry:  
Welcome to the show, Gunnar.

Gunnar:  
I'm glad to be here, Jerry.

Jerry:  
Do you know why you're on the show?

Gunnar:  
Not a clue, but I have seen your show before, so anything's possible…

Jerry:  
That's true. Saber, why don't you lay it down for your man?

Saber:  
Gunnar, you know we've been seeing each other for a short while…

Gunnar:  
Of course, I mean, how could I not remember?

Saber:  
There is something important I must confess to you, something really important. Do you know how much you mean to me, Gunnar?

Gunnar:  
Oh, sugar-buns, please do tell.

Saber:  
I want to let you know… that you don't mean jack s--t, 'cause I've been sleeping with your cousin Katherine behind your back!

(Audience screams as Gunnar bolts up out of his chair.)

Gunnar:  
How could you do that to me! I provided you with companionship! I thought you loved me!

Saber:  
Hell no, I never loved you! I just used you to get closer to your cousin!

(Katherine looks up in wonder, realizing that Saber was true to her after all.)

Gunnar:  
Oh my god! Oh my god! Katherine, how could you stab me in the back!

Katherine:  
Get the hell away from my man!

(Katherine gets up to face Gunnar, and Saber tries to interfere. Gunnar pushes Saber into Katherine, knocking them both down. Steve and his crew quickly scramble in the middle, restoring order to the impending chaos. Gunnar fumes as he sits down. Darkon watches it all with a newfound interest.)

Jerry:  
Ok now, let's calm down and settle this like adults.

Darkon:  
We share a common fate, Gunnar. It appears the tide of darkness has turned against us both, and soon—

Jerry:  
Thanks, Darkon, but I didn't ask for your opinion.

Gunnar:  
You two-timing male slut.

Audience:  
Male slut! Male slut! Male slut! Male slut!

Jerry:  
Saber, how long had you and Gunnar been seeing each other?

Saber:  
Oh, for about two months.

Jerry:  
So, you've been seeing Gunnar just for a month before you started sleeping with Katherine.

Saber:  
That is correct.

Jerry:  
Has there been any sort of… um, physical… contact between you and Gunnar?

Saber:  
No, none whatsoever; I told him that I like to take relationships real slow.

Jerry:  
Uh, huh… just as slow as you're taking it with Katherine?

(Audience snickers.)

Gunnar (holding his head in his hands):  
I thought you loved me, Cain. I thought we had something special between us…

Saber:  
The only thing special between us was Katherine. Gunnar, I just used your ass…

Jerry:  
I'm sure you did…

(Audience laughs, and Saber is taken aback.)

Saber:  
You know it isn't like that, Jerry. I simply used Gunnar to get closer to her; he was just too stupid to realize it. Our relationship was a secret one, so none of the others realized that a fake relationship – at least fake from my side – was going on between Gunnar and me. That's why Katherine came to me, because she knew that I was a friend to her cousin.

Jerry:  
So, Saber, does this mean you're not attracted to men?

Saber:  
Correct, Jerry, I am attracted only to women.

Jerry:  
So, you're going to leave Gunnar hanging like that? His heart is broken…

Saber:  
Yes, and his face will be broken if he bothers me again!

(Audience boos and shouts insults at him.)

Jerry:  
So, what are you going to do now?

(Audience howls as Saber gets up from his seat and kneels down on one knee before Katherine, who turns towards him with an ecstatic look. He pulls out a small box and opens it, revealing a beautiful diamond ring that he had recently stolen from some woman on Earth.)

Gunnar:  
I won't let you!

(Gunnar and Darkon both jump up from their chairs, ready to attack Saber and Katherine.)

Audience:  
Kick his ass! Kick his ass!

(However, the two are excellently thwarted by the wonderful Steve and his security team. Jerry signals for the audience to simmer down.)

Katherine:  
Oh, Cain…

Saber:  
Katherine, my jug of love, will you marry me?

Katherine:  
Oh, of course, Saber, I will.

(Katherine accepts the ring, and Saber de-transforms. The two begin smooching on stage, and Darkon and Gunnar look on dejectedly. The audience stands up in applause, and Jerry wipes a tear from his eye.)

Jerry:  
What a joyous moment. We're going to take a commercial break now, but stay with us! We have some confessions that yet have to be made…

* * *

More confessions to come in Round Two! 


	2. Round Two: Rotund Rodeo

Author: Nadz

Disclaimer: I do not own anything.

**Teknoman (USA Version) on The Jerry Springer Show: Confessions**

WARNING: This fan fiction is not meant for the easily offended. At any point, if you are offended by the content presented here, please stop reading.

**Round 2 – Rotund Rodeo**

Jerry:  
Welcome back. Our last set of guests was interesting, to say the least. They almost killed one another, but at least two came out as happy lovebirds. We can only hope that the new personal conflicts amongst them won't distract them from the important work they need to do. Our next guest is one among those fighting on the Earth's side. Let's welcome Mac Mackelroy to the show.

(Audience claps tepidly as Mac shifts in his chair in order to achieve a more comfortable position. He nods respectfully to the audience. Seated adjacently in the front row of the audience are Darkon and Gunnar, holding hands, and on the other side of the room sits Saber, with Katherine on his lap.)

Jerry:  
Mac, I'm glad that you could make it to the show.

Mac:  
Ah, yes, my lad. I was getting pretty bored fixing things and building more things. My sh--ty commander keeps making me work like a dog, like I'm his bitch or something.

Jerry:  
He makes you work 'round the clock?

Mac:  
Yes, my lad. The only time I get a break is when I am with my girlfriend Maggie.

Jerry:  
That's nice. At least you have a girlfriend. A good handful of men are not so fortunate.

Mac:  
Don't be so hard on yourself, Jerry.

Audience (Booing, pissed that the Scot has just insulted their favorite talk show host):  
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

Jerry:  
It's okay, please calm down.

(Audience quiets down several seconds later.)

Jerry:  
So, Mr. Mackelroy, I assume you wanted to be on the show today to make a confession…?

Mac:  
That's correct, my lad. I certainly do have some big news…

Jerry:

And to whom do you want to make your confession?

Mac:  
To Maggie.

(Audience roars softly; Jerry shrugs.)

Jerry:  
Oh dear. Why don't we bring out her out here? Maggie, come out!

(Audience claps and cheers as she sexily walks on to the stage. She turns around, wiggling her hips to the audience as the males in the audience hoot. She suggestively tugs on the straps of her overalls before ambling towards Mac, who gets up to greet her.)

Mac:  
Come here, my pretty young lassie…

(Drool leaks out of his mouth.)

Maggie:  
Oh, Mac, you big sexy bagpipe… you fine piece of ass...

(Audience roars as the two tightly embrace and start sloppily frenching each other. Jerry almost covers his eyes as they begin groping each other all over the place. Mothers and fathers who are watching the show with their children all across the nation hastily cover their young ones' eyes.)

Mac:  
Oh, Maggie… you make my saggy go waggy…

(Mac and Maggie fall to the floor with Mac on top.)

Maggie:  
Oh, Mac… why don't you shove your hard pack straight into my cra—

Jerry:  
PLEASE, GOD… NO!

(Steve and the other security personnel hurl themselves on stage, desperately pulling the naughty guests apart. It takes Steve and three other men to get the portly mustached-man off of his lover, and one of the other security personnel manages to drag Maggie away. A highly frustrated Mac is brought to his chair, and the same is done for Maggie. The two lovebirds gaze at each other and sigh.)

Mac:  
Jerry, why all the fuss? You wasted another good opportunity for us to…

Jerry:  
Look Mac, this is national television, not the Playboy channel! Now can we get on with the damn show?

Maggie:  
I apologize for our disorderly conduct.

Saber:  
And they thought I was bad…

(Jerry wipes his forehead with a napkin, and therapists' phone numbers are passed out to the traumatized audience members. Some of the security personnel secretly decide to quit and go on to other, calmer talk shows. Steve, on the other hand, considers asking for a raise. Mac wipes the drool off of his chin.)

Jerry:  
Jeez… thank god… Well, getting back to our program, Mac has come to our show to make a confession to his girlfriend, Maggie. Mac, why don't you take it from there? And please try not to lose control this time.

Mac:  
A big man like me has perfect control, lad. I even know how many strokes it takes before I—

Jerry:  
MAC, PLEASE! And stop calling me your "lad". You came here to make a confession…

Mac:  
Ah yes, my lad, I almost forgot.

(Jerry winces upon hearing those words again.)

Maggie:  
Did you want to tell me something, my round pancake?

Mac:  
Maggie, yes, I have something very important to tell you… something that could affect our relationship.

Maggie (dejectedly):  
Oh, Mac, I think I know what this is about… Are you upset 'cause I don't get naked when we have sex?

Jerry:  
What?

(Audience murmurs.)

Maggie:  
Jerry, I just feel icky getting naked, so I expose just… you know… the appropriate canal… It's one of those girl things, I guess…

Jerry:  
No wonder he seems so frustrated.

Mac:  
Now, try not to get upset, my lass. Remember all those times we… you know… did the funky monkey?

Maggie:  
When we had lurid sex?

Mac:  
R-right. All those times when we had sex, remember how I told you that I always wore a condom so you wouldn't get pregnant?

Maggie:  
Yeah…

Mac:  
Well, during the past month, when you weren't looking, I took it off right before we got it going…

(Audience groans. Jerry wonders why he ever had the talk show in the first place.)

Jerry:  
Oh, jeez. Now you're going to be responsible for impregnating her.

Maggie (smiling sweetly and blushing):  
Oh, it's okay, Mac…

Mac:  
It is, my sizzling buttercup?

Maggie:  
Yes, because I'm never gonna get pregnant… You see, Mac, I'm really a man, and my true name is Rebin.

(Jerry faints to the floor. Mac shoots up out of his chair.)

Mac:  
WHAT!! ARE YOU F----ING KIDDING ME! PLEASE TELL ME YOU'RE LYING!

Maggie (talking in a deeper tone):  
Oh, Mac, should this really change our relationship?

Mac:  
OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!

Maggie:  
Oh Mac, I thought you knew!

(Jerry gets back up upon hearing the screaming, roaring, and vomiting coming from the audience.)

Jerry:  
You thought he knew?!

Maggie:  
Yeah, well, wouldn't you wonder what a person was hiding if they didn't take their clothes off during sex?

Mac:  
I can't believe this… I can't believe this… we even kissed on national television…

(Boyfriends and girlfriends watching the show across the country look very suspiciously at each other, wondering if the person they are dating is really who they seem to be…)

Jerry:  
I told you not to do it. It was a big mistake! That's what you get for making fun of me before, lad!

(Mac pulls out a big wrench and lunges for Maggie, ready to beat the transvestite to a pulp. Steve and crew decide to interfere once again, and they prevent Maggie from getting hurt from Mac's continuously flailing fists. Steve struggles to hold back the Scottish rhinoceros.)

Steve:  
Oh, what the hell…

(Steve 'accidentally' lets go of Mac, allowing the Scot to rush in. Mac lays a solid one on Maggie's face before Steve pulls him away. The audience cheers at the mayhem taking place before their very eyes.)

Audience:  
Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve!

Jerry:  
Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve!

Mac:  
YOU SICK BASTARD! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DIDN'T TELL ME!

Maggie:  
Is this why you don't love me? Just because I'm a man who got under your kilt?

(Audience is going absolutely nuts. The security personnel struggle their hardest to keep the two away from each other, and after what seems like hours, they finally get the two to settle down in their chairs.)

Jerry (muttering a prayer):  
My god, we've been having quite a day today.

Maggie:  
After all we've been through, Mac, I can't believe that this would affect us so much.

Mac (whimpering):  
Jerry… Oh Jerry, I just humiliated myself on national television.

Jerry:  
Yeah, Mac, well life can just suck sometimes.

Maggie:  
Yes, and so can I… real well, I might add.

(Audience groans.)

Jerry:  
Sweet Jesus, please help me.

Mac:  
How could you keep something like that from me! You violated my trust!

Jerry:  
Well, she…I mean… he does make a point, Mac. How could you not have suspected anything?

Mac:  
My mum and papa always did it doggy style, and so does my cousin with his sister. So naturally…

(He's trying to fight back tears.)

Jerry:  
The position you two regularly assumed was perfectly normal for you, and so you couldn't differentiate between the normal… um, canal, and the one you were using.

Mac:  
Yes, Jerry, I hadn't suspected a thing…

(He's about to cry. Maggie leans over and tries to comfort him.)

Mac:  
Get the f--k away from me, you loser!

Audience:  
Loser! Loser! Loser! Loser! Loser!

(Maggie looks down at the floor. S/he looks as if s/he is about to cry.)

Jerry:  
So I guess it's obvious that the relationship between you two is over.

Mac:  
Oh most definitely, Jerry. I'm through with her… uh, him.

Maggie:  
Now I don't have a lover anymore…

Gunnar:  
I'm available!

Darkon:  
Hey!

Jerry:  
I guess I can say that there is something positive in all this mess.

Mac:  
Jerry, how could there be a speck of decency here?

Jerry:  
Look on the bright side. At least you didn't cheat on each other.

Maggie:  
Well… that's not entirely correct.

(Some audience members raise a pistol to their heads, keeping their fingers on the trigger.)

Mac:  
You've got to be kidding me. Not only did you lie to me, you went around behind my back as well?

Maggie:  
Most definitely, my pumpin' pumpkin.

(Three of the audience members pull the trigger, freeing themselves from this torture. Steve cleans up the mess.)

Jerry:  
Maggie, you make Saber seem like a prude.

(Saber smirks, though not sure whether being called a 'prude' was a compliment or an insult.)

Mac:  
This is atrocious; I feel so violated.

Maggie:  
I'm so sorry, my sugar-plum.

Mac:  
Who is it, Maggie? Just who were you with?

Maggie:  
This is the only person that knows I am a man. Do you remember, Mac, the other night when the both of us drank too much?

Mac (cautiously):  
Yes…

Maggie:  
Well, that night, while you and I were spooning each other and doing it… you know, the way we always do it… I was spooning and doing it with someone else under my body. You were just too wasted to realize it.

(More audience members shoot themselves. Again, Steve cleans up the mess.)

Mac:  
No… please don't let it be who I think it is…

Maggie:  
Come here, Balzac!

(Audience screams as the blonde man ambles onto the stage and trots towards Maggie. The two begin to make out wildly, and Mac turns his eyes away in disgust. Jerry's mouth drops, for even he did not know Balzac was backstage. The security personnel rush in and separate the two lovers.)

Jerry:  
This is really getting too much. I mean, I don't get it…

Balzac:  
There's nothing really to get, Jerry. I was shocked when Maggie told me her secret, but unlike Mac here, I still love him for who he is. As to how Maggie and I got together… I mean, I can't be spying on the Space Knights all the time. Given the limited screen time Maggie and I had, didn't viewers ever wonder how we filled the gaps between scenes?

Maggie:  
Well, you were certainly doing some _other_ type of spying during that time, weren't you?

Balzac (smiling suggestively):  
Want me to explore more? Want me to discover some more of your deep Space Knight secrets?

(This time, Steve takes a gun and shoots himself in the head. He falls to the floor, only to get up upon realizing he missed.)

Jerry:  
ALL RIGHT, THAT'S ENOUGH!! We're taking a commercial break, RIGHT NOW!

(He wipes tears of misery and torture from his eyes before continuing.)

And… and we still have even more confessions just after this break… oh Sweet Jesus, O Mother Mary… please help me…

(Audience gets up and cheers. Jerry turns towards the trio at the forefront.)

Jerry:  
NOW GET THE HELL OFF MY STAGE!

(The security personnel, including Steve, drive the three away. Camera fades out as the audience begins to chant, "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!")

* * *

Love it? Hate it? Feel free to tell me. Even more confession madness to come in Round Three! 


	3. Round Three: Rage Against the Robot

Author: Nadz  
Email: vegitto02 at yahoo dot com  
Disclaimer: I do not own anything.

**Teknoman** **(USA Version) on The Jerry Springer Show: Confessions**

WARNING: This fan fiction is not meant for the easily offended. At any point, if you are offended by the content presented here, please stop reading.

**Round 3 – Rage Against the Robot**

Jerry (wiping his forehead with a napkin):

Alright, welcome back to the show! Last time, we had an… um, interesting tale to tell in which a straight man learned that his lover was also a man who was gay with yet another man. But much as we feel sorry for him, we must understand that _(beep)_ happens to everyone and that after we've exploited their troubles in order to benefit our show, nobody really cares about them anymore anyway.

Moving along, we meet our next guest. Let's welcome Star Summers to the program.

(Audience claps as they greet the attractive young lady sitting in her chair. Saber's jaw drops, and he is subsequently slapped by a vexed Katherine.)

Star:  
Hi, Jerry, it's great to be here.

Jerry:  
You know, Star, I just wanted to let you know that you have some, um, interesting friends.

Star:  
They're great, aren't they?

(She waves eagerly to Maggie, who is sitting on Balzac's lap while chewing on a hot dog.)

Star:  
Hi, Mac!

(Sitting many, many seats away from Maggie is the Scot, struggling to drive a large knife into his body. However, every time he attempts to stick it in, the excessive blubber jiggling on his portly frame refuses penetration and forcefully ejects the blade.)

Jerry:  
Hey big guy, you doing okay over there?

Mac:  
Damn thing won't go in!

Jerry:  
No worries. Just come talk to us after the show, and I'm sure we'll get it to work.

Audience:  
Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

Jerry:  
So, Star, what brings you here today?

Star:  
Well, you see, I have a confession to make.

Jerry (feinting wonder):  
Oh, really?

Star:  
Uh huh…

(She blushes and tightly crosses her clean-shaven legs. Saber's vision begins to haze, and drool appears at the corner of his mouth. Katherine smacks him upside the head again. Star continues to smile and blush, saying nothing. The audience waits for her to speak.)

Darkon:  
Come on, bitch! Out with it! I don't have all day!

Gunnar:  
Huh?

(Upon hearing Darkon's words, a zoned out Gunnar snaps to attention and begins to unzip his pants, not realizing that the Warlord had been talking to Star.)

Jerry:  
NO!

(Audience roars as Steve rushes to the scene, tossing a large blanket on Gunnar's lap and covering up anything deemed to be offensive on national television.)

Jerry:  
Whew, sorry about that. What were you going to say, Star?

Star:  
Jerry, I came here today to tell Slade… that I'm in love with him.

Audience:  
Awwwwwww…

(Saber scowls.)

Saber:  
Why him when you could have me?

Katherine:  
Honey…

Saber:  
Why settle for a man who has to stop every thirty minutes?

Katherine:  
HONEY…

Saber:  
Especially when I can last for so much longer… OW!!

Star:  
You're so funny, Saber!

(Katherine gives Star the evil eye.)

Jerry:  
Well, let's bring him out… here he is, Slade!

(Audience rises to their feet and gives the hero a standing ovation as he walks into the room. The man walks over to Star and plops down in the chair next to her. Saber scowls.)

Jerry:  
Welcome to our show, Slade. From what I understand, you're the reason why we're all still alive.

Slade:  
I guess, but you never know when I can turn on you and hack you to pieces.

Jerry:  
R-right… well, your friend, Star, has brought you here on the show to tell you something. Star…

Star (turning her chair towards him):  
Slade…

Slade:  
Yeah?

Star:  
I wanted to tell you something very important…

(She takes a deep breath.)

Slade… I've fallen in love with you.

Audience:  
Awwwwwwww…

Katherine:  
Awwwwwwww…

Slade:  
Y-you have?

Katherine:  
Of course she has! Now hurry up and propose to her!

Saber:  
Kat!! Are you trying to ruin my chances??

Katherine:  
SHUT UP!

Slade:  
Star, ever since that day you brought me back to my senses… I've felt the same way for you too.

Star (gasping):  
Oh, Slade!

(A tear rolls down her cheek.)

Audience:  
Awwwwww…

Star (crying even more, her voice cracking):  
Slade, this is the happiest moment of my life!

Slade (swallowing hard):  
But before we go through with this, there's something I need to tell you…

Jerry:  
Oh no…

Star:  
What is it, my love?

Slade (taking a deep breath):  
Star, you know how I need to use Pegas in order to transform?

Star:  
Of course…

Slade:  
Well, Maggie fixed my crystal a while ago so that I don't _really_ need to use him anymore.

Star:  
Wait, what?

Slade:  
Now I just use his interlock chamber to get quick ones before my battles.

Star:  
WHAT?! YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!

Slade:  
I'm so sorry, Star…

Star:  
You're telling me that the only reason you jump into the interlock chamber these days is so you can screw his interiors before fighting?!

Slade:  
That's right, Star… I didn't mean to hurt you.

Star:  
Hurt me!? You f---king sicko! How could you do that to me? After all I've done for you!

(She gets in his face, yelling at him. Audience is going nuts.)

Audience:  
Kick his ass! Kick his ass! Kick his ass! Kick his ass! Kick his ass!

Slade:  
With all that's happened to me… Shara… my family… What's wrong with relieving some of that frustration? A man needs his play!

(The males in the audience scream "Yeah!" and pump up their fists.)

Star:  
By banging a robot?! That's so disgusting!!

Slade:  
Oh yeah? Well, there're a lot more holes in there than you've ever offered me… how could I possibly resist?

Star:  
YOU _(beep)_ GODDAMN PIECE OF _(beep)_ _(beep) (beep) (beep) _LOUSY _(beep)_ … _(beep)_!!!

Audience:  
Pervert whore! Pervert whore! Pervert whore! Pervert whore! Pervert whore!

Star:  
Bring that f--king Teknobot out here right now!

Jerry:  
You said it! Come out, Pegas.

Audience:  
Pegas! Pegas! Pegas! Pegas! Pegas!

(The large robot trudges out onto the stage, soaking in the attention. Meanwhile, Star lunges towards the Teknobot, screaming obscenities at its face.)

Star:  
Piece of sh-t! Mother f-cker!

Pegas:  
I am not mother f-cker. I am Pegas.

(Steve rushes to the stage, pulling a furious Star backwards. Meanwhile, Slade trots over to Pegas and gives the robot a big hug. Star fumes.)

Jerry:  
Welcome, Pegas.

Pegas:  
Greetings, Jerry.

Star:  
I can't believe you did that to me! How could you, Pegas?

Pegas:  
Slade want quickies… Pegas give quickies…

Jerry:  
But you're smart, Pegas. You knew what was going on. But tell me, did you actually enjoy doing it?

(Audience laughs.)

Pegas:  
Pegas… enjoy doing it… affirmative…

Jerry:  
This is terrible. What do you have to say for yourself, Slade?

Slade:  
Star, I know I've hurt you deeply today…

(Star only glares at him.)

Slade:  
But deep down inside, you have to be wondering how we do it… care for a demo?

Star:  
You bastard…

(She lunges at Slade, lashing out her sharp fingernails. Steve and crew intercept her in the nick of time, keeping her from tearing Earth's hero to shreds. Meanwhile, the audience is going nuts.)

Jerry:  
Oh Sweet Jesus…

Audience:  
Robot f-cker! Robot f-cker! Robot f-cker! Robot f-cker! Robot f-cker!

Star:  
I hate you! I never want to see you again!

Slade:  
Yeah right. Just wait a week; you'll be back to skipping after me like a little pet.

(Star growls.)

Slade:  
Pegas, turn around!

Pegas:  
Turn around… affirmative…

(The robot levitates in the air and does a 180 so that its back is facing Slade and the audience.)

Jerry:  
Slade, perhaps this isn't such a good idea.

Slade:  
Open interlock!

Pegas:  
Open interlock… Affirmative…

(At that moment, the cover to the interlock chamber flips up, only to reveal the backside of somebody already standing in its interior and vigorously banging away. Audience roars.)

Slade:  
Ringo?!?!

Ringo:  
Uh oh…

(The blonde man turns his head around and sees an irate Slade, speechless Star, and a wildly excited audience. He bends down quickly in an attempt to pull up his pants, blatantly exposing his hairy ass to the entire crowd. At that very moment…)

Mac:  
Gosh darn it! Oh no!

(Unable to recapture the knife as it rebounds violently off his blubber, Mac watches in horror as the razor sharp blade spins and heads directly towards Ringo's bare rectum.)

Ringo:  
What the… OWWWW!!!!! $#$$$!!!! AAAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

(Needless to say, the metal from the weapon had buried itself rather deeply into the orifice where the "sun don't shine.")

Gunnar:  
Man, that must feel… Mm, mm, good!

Mac:  
Someone call a doctor!

Jerry:  
We'll be right back! And we'll have even more for you after this commercial break!

(Audience continues to roar as the screen fades to black.)

* * *

Love it? Hate it? Feel free to tell me. Think this is bad? Just wait for Round Four, the finale! 


	4. Round Three Half: Restoring the Romance

Author: Nadz  
Email: vegitto02 at yahoo dot com  
Disclaimer: I do not own anything.

**Teknoman (USA Version) on The Jerry Springer Show: Confessions**

WARNING: This fan fiction is not meant for the easily offended. At any point, if you are offended by the content presented here, please stop reading.

**Round 3.5 – Restoring the Romance**

Jerry:  
Alright, welcome back! We've gotten things to calm down a bit. Before the break, we learned that Slade had been cheating on Star by… um, frolicking… with Pegas, his robot. We also learned that Pegas gives freebies to others, such as Ringo Richards, who is being treated backstage. But before we move on to Mr. Richards, our favorite couple needs to resolve their problem.

(Star is sitting in a chair, crossing her legs and pouting heavily. Slade is sitting close by, twiddling his thumbs. The audience waits patiently.)

Slade:  
Star, I'm sorry.

Audience:  
Awwwwwww…

Star:  
I don't believe you. You're a pervert.

Jerry:  
Slade, do you feel bad for what you've done to her? I mean, she really is in love with you.

Star:  
No, I really _was_ in love with him.

Slade:  
Star, you know how much I need you.

Star:  
For what? So you can go banging machines while I dedicate my heart to you?

Slade:  
No, I love you.

Star:  
Is there any meaning behind those words? Do you know what I do every time you go off into battle, Slade? I pray. I pray that you won't get hurt. I pray that you'll come back alive.

(She starts crying. Audience starts to sniffle.)

Jerry:  
Oh my.

Star:  
I hope that nothing happens to you so that you can come back to me. So that we can spend our lives together and start our own family.

(Steve and company pass out Kleenexes to audience members.)

Star (crying heavily now):  
But, no, you betrayed me, Slade. The love I thought you returned was nothing more than a charade. You just wanted to use me.

Slade:  
It's not like that at all…

Star:  
You hurt me, Slade. You stabbed me. You took my heart out and tore it to pieces.

Audience:  
Awwwwwwwww…

Saber:  
Awwww?! Aw, come on! This is the Jerry Springer Show, not f-ing Oprah!

Audience:  
YEAH!

(They pump their fists into the air.)

Saber! Saber! Saber! Saber! Saber!

Jerry:  
Slade, what do you have to say now?

Slade:  
Star, I've hurt you too much.

(He gets up from his seat and kneels before her, pulling out a small box. Audience roars, and Star's eyes grow wide.)

Star:  
What do you think you're doing?!

Slade:  
Star, I promise never to cheat on you again. I will never sleep with anyone else… or anything. I love you with all of my heart, and I want to share the rest of my life with you.

Star:  
How dare you, after what you've done…

Slade:  
Star, my love… Will you be my wife?

(Without warning, Star lashes out her foot and makes hard contact with the area where no man should ever be hit. Audience laughs as Slade rolls around the floor, his face bright red and contorted with pain.)

Star (smiling):  
Yes.

Jerry:  
What?

Star:  
Yes, my love. I will marry you.

(Slade stops in shock, his hand still covering his region of injury. Star kneels next to him and brings her face closer to his. With a smile, she plants a soft kiss on his lips and slips the ring onto her finger. She then reaches out to his private region and begins to massage. Audience roars.)

Jerry:  
What are you doing!

Star:  
Making sure he can still have kids.

Audience:  
Awwwwwwww…

Saber:  
Now, Katherine, why can't you touch me like that … OW!

Slade:  
I'm so happy, Star!

Star:  
Me too, Slade. And we'll always watch the sunset from now on… together…

Gunnar:  
Man, all this _straight_ crap makes me sick.

Jerry:  
We'll be right back!

(Star and Slade remain on the ground, softly but passionately kissing. Camera fades.)

* * *

Round 4, the Finale, coming up next! 


	5. Round Four: Phallus Hits the Phan

Author: Nadz  
Email: vegitto02 at yahoo dot com  
Disclaimer: I do not own anything.

**Teknoman** **(USA Version) on The Jerry Springer Show: Confessions**

WARNING: This fan fiction is not meant for the easily offended. At any point, if you are offended by the content presented here, please stop reading.

**Round 4 – Phallus Hits the Phan**

Jerry:  
Welcome back! Before our break, we just witnessed a happy ending to a tumultuous problem. Slade has promised to remain faithful to his fiancé, Star Summers. Although we prefer to see couples break up on our show, your alliance with each other is a welcome change.

(Slade and Star, both sitting in front row audience seats, grin while holding hands.)

Saber:  
Brother, would you like to exchange ladies for tonight… OW!

Jerry:  
Anyway, let's meet our next guest… Welcome Ringo Richards to the show!

(Audience laughs and jeers as the blonde man trudges out on stage. He unwittingly turns around, revealing the large band-aid taped between his butt cheeks. Maggie looks on with interest. Ringo pulls up a chair and sits down, wincing. He shifts around to achieve a more comfortable position given his condition.)

Jerry:  
Hello, Ringo.

Ringo:  
Hi.

Mac:  
Sorry, lad.

Ringo:  
It's okay, Mac.

Mac:  
But that's what you get for breaking my watch.

Jerry:  
So, how are you feeling?

Ringo:  
Worse than a ground up grilled cheese.

Jerry:  
Um… yeah…

Ringo:  
Well, I mean it's not every day that you have a sharp object stuck up your ass.

Gunnar:  
It's not?

(Audience groans.)

Darkon:  
Gunnar, if you want me to be serious about our relationship, you'll have to control yourself and not announce your queer tendencies every time you get a chance to do so. It's getting to be too much.

Gunnar:  
Now, honey, we all know that I have pride about who I am. Letting people know about it is just another way of _educating_ them so that they'll accept us for who we are.

Saber:  
No, it's not… it's just f-ing annoying.

Gunnar:  
You're just saying that because you can't have a piece of this red-hot ass anymore.

(He points towards his rear.)

Saber:  
Why you little…

(He gets up, ready to claw Gunnar, but his twin interrupts him.)

Slade:  
Brother, let me handle this.

(He walks towards Gunnar while everybody watches anxiously.)

Gunnar:  
What are you doing?

Slade:  
You know what time it is, Gunnar?

Gunnar:  
No, what time is it?

Slade:  
Time to say good-bye… Tekno Power Blasters!

(Audience gasps, waiting for something to happen. Nothing happens.)

Slade:  
Tekno Power Blasters!

(Still nothing happens.)

Saber:  
Um, Slade…

Slade:  
Yeah?

Saber:  
It would help if you were actually _in_ your Teknoman mode.

Slade:  
Oh… haha… you're right. Come, Pegas!

(Star glares daggers at him, and Slade gulps.)

Slade:  
I mean… never mind, Pegas!

(He sits down sheepishly next to Star, and she smiles again.)

Jerry:  
Do I hear a whip cracking somewhere?

Audience:  
Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

Jerry:  
Ok, now back to you, Mr. Richards. Thank you for being so patient.

Ringo:  
No worries, I found ways of entertaining myself.

(Jerry notices that Ringo has his right hand in his pocket and that a growing wet stain has appeared in the vicinity.)

Jerry:  
Um, Mr. Richards, can you please place both hands where we can see them?

Ringo:  
Sure. Can I get a napkin first?

Jerry:  
Sweet Mother Mary… Steve, can you please…

Ringo:  
Ah, never mind.

(He reaches down and wipes his fingers on the underside of the chair. Audience members contort their faces.)

Gunnar:  
Say, Jerry, can I buy that chair from you?

Darkon:  
See? There you go again!

Gunnar:  
Argh! You're impossible, Darkon!

Maggie:  
Rape my ass if I'm wrong, but shouldn't we be focusing on Ringo?

Jerry:  
Good point, Maggie. So what brings you to our show? Besides your … um, unexpected… appearance during our last segment.

Ringo:  
Well, I came here to tell a special person that I'm in love with her.

Audience:  
Awwwwwwww…

Jerry:  
Haven't we heard _that_ one before? Anyway, we'll bring her out here, and you can confess to her yourself. Come out, Tina!

(Audience claps, anxious to see the young teenager. Seconds pass by, but she doesn't come out.)

Jerry:  
Come out, Tina!

(She still doesn't come out. Jerry scratches his head.)

Jerry:  
Hmm, she's probably still backstage for some reason. Let's go back there and bring the "SpringerCam" with us.

(Jerry and his cameraman make their way backstage. Through a video screen, the audience sees Jerry walk through the corridors and turn into a small room. Ringo watches intently, only for his eyes to grow wide in shock. On the floor is Tina – blindfolded, bare, sweating, and participating in ferocious intercourse. On top of her is a man, vigorously pumping away at the moaning teenager, whose legs are extended high into the air.)

Ringo:  
Commander?!?!

_Tina:  
Oh, Slade, give it to me… give it to me… oh yeah…_

(Audience roars.)

(Star snaps her head towards Slade and savagely glares at him. She is ready to pull the ring off, but he clasps his hand over hers.)

Slade:  
Star, I swear I have nothing to do with this! I promise!

(Star only scowls but leaves the ring on her finger.)

Ringo:  
I can't believe this…

(He covers his face with his hands and proceeds to sniffle.)

_Jerry:  
Um… Tina… can I interrupt you?_

_Tina:  
Oh, come on. Slade, can you ask him to leave?_

_Jerry:  
Slade? Slade is in the studio with the audience._

_Tina:  
What? Then who am I …_

_Jerry:  
Um, can you two please separate? Tina is needed on stage._

(Several seconds pass.)

_Jamison:  
Hmm… there seems to be a problem._

_Tina:  
Commander?!?!_

_Jamison:  
Yes, it's me – your White Knight. But there seems to be a problem. I can't seem to remove myself from you. _

_Jerry:  
What?_

_Jamison:  
I think I'm stuck. _

_Jerry:  
YOU'RE WHAT?_

_Jamison:  
My Jimmy is too big for your Susie. _

_Tina:  
You pervert! Get it out of me! Get it out of me!_

(Ringo continues to sob.)

_Jamison:  
Tina, be calm._

Gunnar (shaking his head and pulling out a jar):  
Never leave home without some good old Vaseline.

Darkon:  
Argh!

_Jerry_:  
_Well, Tina is needed on stage now. So, why don't the both of you come out?_

_Tina:  
What? No, wait!_

(Jamison ignores her and picks her up. He stands upright, his member still stuck in her. She wraps her legs around his waist as he carries her. They follow Jerry onto the stage, and Ringo loses all color in his face.)

Ringo:  
Commander, you're really a doughnut short of a dozen.

(Tears of sadness and embarrassment roll down his cheeks.)

Jamison:  
Huh?

(Audience is nuts at this point. Jamison lowers himself into a chair, with Tina sitting on top of his private region. The girl is struggling to pull herself off, but to no avail. She removes her blindfold and looks horrified at the Commander, who winks at her. She places her feet on the sides of Jamison's chair and tries to push herself off his member, but she fails and falls back down. She tries again… and again… and again…

Little does she realize that with every attempt at escape, she is only bouncing on Jamison's member even more and provoking it further towards the point of no return.)

Jamison (moaning):  
Oh yeah!! Keep going, bitch… keep going…

Tina:  
Someone help me!

Ringo:  
Tina!

(He jumps up from his seat but is restrained by Steve and crew. Audience laughs.)

Jerry:  
Commander Jamison, what exactly is going on?

Jamison:  
Well, I was just going about my way when this girl here comes up to me and—

Tina:  
You rotten liar! I was tricked! How could you, Slade? How could you?

Slade:  
WHAT? Seriously, I don't know what the hell is going on!

Tina:  
I trusted you, Slade! Ever since that day you told me I looked like Shara, I wanted you. Remember the time you turned bad, and I confronted you on the bridge?

I was waiting for the beast in you to rip off my clothes and pump me like it's never been done before. I wanted you so bad, and look what you've done to me!

Slade:  
I haven't done anything! What the hell is going on?

Jerry:  
Commander, would you like to explain?

Jamison:  
Just like I said – Tina just approached me and started grabbing my family jewels, and one thing led to another. I just couldn't stop myself. I _do_ have strong feelings for her, after all.

Balzac:  
Pardon me, but you'd better stop lying, Commander.

Jamison:  
What?

Balzac:  
Come on, you know that I'm a spy. I know what's really going on, and I just caught you red-handed in a lie, Jamison.

(Audience roars in excitement. Jamison's face pales.)

Balzac:  
It's all a trick. The Commander here lusted Tina, and he knew that she wanted Slade. So he did the obvious – he pretended to be Slade.

Tina:  
What!!

Balzac:  
He wrote a message to Tina, asking her to go to that room backstage, blindfold herself, and wait for an "exciting surprise." He signed it "Slade".

Jamison:  
Oh my god, how do you know about that? I had that letter well hidden in a secure place.

Balzac:  
You mean in your drawer? I found it while sniffing your underwear.

(Audience gags, and Maggie opens his/her mouth in shock.)

Gunnar:  
You're such an amateur. It smells a lot better _after_ it's been used.

Darkon:  
Argh! One more outburst, and I'm going to tear your fruity ass to bits!

Gunnar (blushing and removing the lid from his jar of Vaseline):  
Oh, Lord Dark-horny, I can hardly wait!

Darkon:  
I've had it with you! It's over!

(He gets up and moves to an empty seat.)

Gunnar:  
No, I'm all alone now! I guess it's just you and me, Mr. Righty.

Jerry:  
Commander Jamison, what do you have to say for yourself?

Jamison:  
I can't believe my secret was… oh, yeah, you go baby… oh yeah, Tina… uh, discovered by Balzac here.

Tina:  
You're so disgusting, Commander. I never would have guessed.

Jamison:  
Come on – I'm single, graying, and surrounded by women nearly half my age. What did you expect? Now you're mine, Tina. I'll never let you go… Never…

Ringo:  
No, I will save Tina! Tina, I love you!

Tina (blushing strongly with a sparkle forming in her eye):  
You do?

Ringo (his eyes sparkling):  
Yes, I do.

Audience:  
Awwwwww…

Saber:  
Awwwwww?! Have you forgotten she's riding his dick?

Jamison (cackling evilly):  
You're too late, Ringo, she's having my baby … oh yeah, baby… oh yeah… oh… I'm gonna lose it… oh… oh…

(Well past the point of no return, Jamison stands up, with Tina still on him. Soon, it would be all over. He could feel the fluid making its way down his pleasure tube. The Commander moaned loudly as Tina tried desperately to pull herself off, only serving to urge his member further. The pressure in his tube mounted… it would only be moments before—

Ringo:  
NO!!!!

(Breaking free from Steve's grip, Ringo lunges towards Tina and pushes her with all of his strength. A large "RIP" is heard, and Tina falls towards the floor. Jamison is suddenly crying out in agony.)

Jamison:  
ARGH!

(He looks down at his private region, horrified to see only a bloody stump. Tina crashes to the floor, and everyone stares as Jamison's penis sails through the air, ready to deliver its load.)

Gunnar:  
No! It can't be wasted!

(Gunnar dives for the hard member, catching it in his hands. He jams it into his mouth, savoring the juices being squirted out as the organ undergoes its spasms.)

(Audience is going ballistic and is seriously vomiting at this point, as is Steve.)

Jerry:  
SWEET JESUS!!! STEVE, STOP HIM!

Steve:  
HELL NO! I'm not touching that sh-t!

Jamison:  
NO!!!! AARRGGHH!!!!

Tina (looking up to see Ringo kneeling over her):  
Ringo… you saved me…

Ringo:  
Oh Tina, my love… I'm so glad you're okay…

Tina:  
I was so scared…

Ringo:  
You're safe with me… I love you, Tina.

Tina (blushing):  
Oh, Ringo…

Ringo:  
You're the cream of my Oreo … The bean of my taco.

Tina:  
Huh?

Ringo:  
I want you more than you've ever wanted yourself.

Tina:  
Oh, Ringo, give me the best you've got.

(She reaches up and grabs his shirt, pulling him towards her. They share a passionate kiss. Meanwhile…)

Jamison:  
Give that back to me!

(Jamison reaches over and tries to pull his severed member out from Gunnar's mouth, but the other man refuses to let go.)

Gunnar:  
Go get your own dick.

Jerry:  
GOD, I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF! STEVE!! STEVE, HELP ME!

Steve:  
Go to hell, Jerry! I'm tired of being your bitch.

(Steve trots over to Darkon and sits on his lap.)

Jerry:  
STEVE??

Steve:  
Hey baby, I've got two smooth heads you can play with. One up here, and the other one… you know…

Jerry (holding his head in his hands):  
NO!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!! STEVE, YOU'RE FIRED!!!!

Steve:  
Yeah? Well you can tell him that when he returns to work tomorrow.

Jerry:  
WHAT?

("Steve" merely laughs as he wipes the make-up off of his face, thus revealing his true identity.)

Jamison:  
General Galt?!

Galt:  
Hi, boys.

Slade:  
That was you the whole time???

Galt:  
Uh huh… Darkon, you're coming home with me tonight. As leaders of the two most powerful forces on Earth, nothing will be able to stop us. Hahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Darkon:  
Oh, Galt, you turn me on.

(He wraps his arm affectionately around the General.)

Galt:  
This is what I call a "win-win" situation.

Jerry:  
We'll be back with audience remarks and a final word!

* * *

Final Word coming up! 


	6. Final Word

Author: Nadz  
Email: vegitto02 at yahoo dot com  
Disclaimer: I do not own anything.

**Teknoman** **(USA Version) on The Jerry Springer Show: Confessions**

WARNING: This fan fiction is not meant for the easily offended. At any point, if you are offended by the content presented here, please stop reading.

**Round 5 – Final Word**

(As the camera fades in, the audience is still going nuts. On stage, all of the guests are seated. From left to right are: Darkon, Galt, Mac, Saber, Katherine, Gunnar, Maggie, Balzac, Jamison, Ringo, Tina, Star, and Slade.

Jamison has temporarily substituted his missing member with a sausage, and Ringo has his hand back in his pocket. Balzac is trying to get a whiff of Jamison's rear, and Gunnar is being French-kissed by Maggie, who is trying to get a taste of "Little Jamison," still in Gunnar's mouth.)

Jerry:  
And we are back, with some comments from the audience! You… why don't you say something?

George W. Bush:  
I can't believe we've got a bunch of _lying_, _conniving_ sick f-cks trying to defend our planet.

Audience:  
Sick f-cks! Sick f-cks! Sick f-cks! Sick f-cks! Sick f-cks!

Rodney King:  
Why can't we all just get along?

Audience:  
Awwwwww…

(Several security personnel walk over and beat him to the ground.)

OJ Simpson:  
I have a comment for Mr. Venemoid Whorelord over there.

(Audience chuckles.)

Darkon:  
Yes?

OJ Simpson:  
I know the perfect solution for getting back at women who cheat on you.

(Audience boos loudly, hurtling paper and beer bottles at him. He runs out to his white Ford Bronco to escape.)

Jerry:  
Next!

Yoda:  
Anger, Fear, and Queers – they lead to the dark side…

Catholic Priest:  
You mean it's wrong to touch little boys? I didn't know that!

Congressman Mark Foley:  
Of course you can't touch 'em! But you sure can IM them!

(Bush pretends he didn't hear that. Audience boos, and the police arrest Foley.)

Jerry:  
We have a special audience member who would like to make a comment. Yes, young lady…

Shara:  
Slade, I'll always be with you… always…

Slade:  
Huh? Wait, I thought you blew yourself up.

Shara:  
I just pretended that so that I can start my new life in peace with the man I love.

(She is holding hands with Lance, who winks at Slade.)

Slade:  
NOO!!!

Bin Laden:  
Venemoids, I'm with you!

Jerry:  
Oh my God, he's here! Mr. President, we can finally nab him!

George Bush:  
I truly am not that concerned about him.

Jerry:  
What?!

Bin Laden:  
Down with the human race! I'm going to kill you all… KILL YOU—

(Before Osama can finish, Lance transforms and drives his lance straight through the man's abdomen, spraying blood and guts everywhere. Audience cheers as bin Laden cries for help, only to feel Lance smash his nuts into pancakes. Tears oozing out of his eyes, Osama begs for mercy, but Lance drills his lance into the man's skull, and blood and brain parts splatter around.)

Audience:  
YEAH!!

Dan Quayle:  
I've done good things in the past, and I've done good things in the future.

Lorena Bobbit:  
Say, Jamison, I've brought a spare with me if you want it.

M. Lewinsky:  
Can I have it instead? I miss those things.

Jar Jar Binks:  
Mesa a stupid assa… woo-ooo-oo… mesa don't like yousa venemoids… and mesa gonna…

(A young black kid trips and knocks into Lance, whose lance sails through the air and rips Jar Jar's head off. Audience gives the black kid a standing ovation and showers him with dollar bills.)

Steve Urkel:  
Did I do that?

Jar Jar Binks:  
NO! Mesa head… mesa head…

Butt-head:  
Hey Beavis… uh huh huh… huh huh huh… he said "head"… uh huh huh huh

Beavis:  
Yeah… heh heh… heh heh heh… heh heh… heh heh heh…

Joker (grinning at Jar Jar):  
I'm glad you're dead… hahahahaha….

Samuel Jackson:  
Alien mutha f-ckas!

Mel Gibson:  
FREEEEEEEDOOOOMMMMM!!!!!

Jerry:  
We've run out of time, so now for the parting message. Relationships aren't easy to form. They take time to develop, and those participating in relationships need to make the effort to build trust in each other. Maintaining a relationship isn't all roses either – both participants need to work towards solidifying a bond that will grow and flourish.

In the case of our guests today, the strife of war did not give them the time to do such things. They needed to go through their relationships quickly and without thinking. As you saw, most turned out to be disasters.

So, before you enter a relationship, take the time to get to know the other person. Stay committed to them, and try your hardest to make it work. If you can do that, I'll soon be out of business. Until next time… good luck.

(Audience cheers, and credits roll.)

… **Finish …**

* * *

**Author notes: **Thanks for reading this! It was a riot to write, and hopefully it was just as much fun to read! 

**Note: **That quote from Bush (regarding not being concerned) is a true quote, though taken somewhat out of context here.


End file.
